My handwritten statement for the 3rd charge

Got served 1 more charge today for stalking (online) with a maximum of 2 years imprisonment. So if anyone’s keeping count, my current (2nd) case now has 3 charges of stalking, each charge of max 2 years, bringing it to max 6 years. And adding in the 2 months of remission period to pay back due to re-offending during the early release, that brings it to max of 6 years 2 months I’m facing now. As usual, I was asked to write a statement for this charge today and I had to write it on the spot so pardon the sentence fragments. Reproduced my handwritten statement (to the police) verbatim as per below:

The victim in this offence that I am charged for is my ex-boyfriend, Jeremy, with whom I was in a relationship with for four years. I had made the online post with no malice; I did not have any intentions other than to get Jeremy’s attention because I have no other channels of communication to reach him. I did not make any post that disparages his character or integrity and I did not make any false claims in what I had posted. It was mostly just a rant about my feelings towards the dissolution of a 4-year relationship, there was no abusive language used and there was no intentional attempt at sullying his reputation. It was a pensive lamentation on our breakup which had affected me greatly because when we were together for those 4 years, we would see each other everyday and even when we were separated by physical distances and vast oceans, we would at least be able to talk to each other via webcam or messages. It was akin to a symbiotic existence and when we broke up and there was no way for me to reach out to him, due to the fact that he had blocked me off everywhere imaginable, the only way to reach him was to get his attention through making an online post. This was also because of the fact that I could not even look for him in person (otherwise I would have used that alternative instead). Because if I did, he would call the police upon seeing me, to ask the authorities to arrest me for stalking him. I had honestly exhausted all other means to reach him peacefully and this was my last resort. I had even gone to the Singapore Mediation Centre to seek their assistance in resolving our issues and although they initially said they could invite Jeremy down for a session, they later declined upon knowing that mine was already a case that’s facing charges. I am not an unreasonable person, I’m not forcing Jeremy to be together with me again, I just hope that he will forgive me and allow me to be able to contact him again, even if not now, at least some time in the future. I’m not a recalcitrant offender who’s bent on breaking the law. I had worked for a year in the Singapore Police Force before, screening criminal records and was also in the Military Police during my National Service of 2 years. I do know what’s right and wrong and I haven’t lost my ability to differentiate that. I do admit that my actions were wrong; they were done on impulse and were rash actions based on my emotions rather than logic. I do feel remorseful for my actions. It is hard to express in words the intangible constituent makeup of our relationship but I hope that the pathos of any human heart that has gone through a devastating heartbreak is able to empathise with me. I am sorry and thank you for reading my plea.

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A Literary Critique/Review of ‘All the Light We Cannot See’ by Anthony Doerr

While inside prison, I spent 5 days reading this Pulitzer Prize-winning book which I feel is the best book I have ever read in my life. I felt so strongly about the novel that it inspired me to spend 1 whole day (immediately after finishing the book) to write a book review. To retain fidelity to my original handwritten 2-page draft that was composed within the span of a day, I am reproducing the critique below albeit in a typewritten format and chose not to do any edits to my original draft. Rest assured only the format is different, no words have been added or removed or changed from my original handwritten draft, the words are 100% exactly the same. This will more accurately reflect my lack of a dictionary and internet to google whether what I spelled or quoted/made reference to is correct or not and also the time constraint and paper constraint I faced while writing it (which will explain why my concluding paragraph is cramped with themes that I can explore further should I choose to, if given more paper to write on while inside prison).

A Literary Critique/Review of ‘All the Light We Cannot See’ by Anthony Doerr

“If only life were like a Jules Verne novel, thinks Marie-Laure, and you could page ahead when you most needed to, and learn what would happen.” This is the kind of wide doe-eyed innocence and wishful thinking exemplified by Marie-Laure, one of the two central characters in this novel. However, in this case, if we were to skip ahead to the end, we would miss the mesmerizing epic grand scale on which events unfurl.

“Sublimity is the instant when one thing is about to become something else.” Anthony Doerr’s second novel – a long ten years in the making – is the medium through which the author has crossed the Rubicon, stepped off the precipice, taken a leap of faith via his unconventional writing and been exalted and elevated to the pantheon of literary greats much like Jules Verne’s Around the World in Eighty Days and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea and Debussy’s Clair de Lune, all of which feature heavily in this tale. This work could very well be Doerr’s magnum opus and is a masterpiece in every sense of the word, hence worthy of the decade-long wait. Doerr’s epic novel has earned him a well-deserved place among his aforementioned greatly revered heroes.

The story is set in Germany and France’s Saint-Malo and Paris. It is however not set in the glamorous belle époque period with its familiar grand old world charm but instead the stage here is World War II, itself a character constantly in the background; never far from our protagonists’ minds.

Like the intricately crafted little model house of Number 4 rue Vauborel featured in the story, Doerr’s novel intricately weaves the various timelines between the two main protagonists: Marie-Laure, a blind young girl and Werner, a smart White-haired boy. Doerr not only deftly switches perspectives between the two protagonists, he also successfully juggles two on-going timelines, switching back and forth between the past and future until the two timelines coalesce. This is a similar technique employed by British author Jeffrey Archer in his ‘The Fourth Estate’ and to a lesser degree in ‘Kane and Abel’ but Doerr here has outdone his contemporary with more literary finesse displayed. Doerr’s prose is also lovely and mesmerizing with its rhythmic pace and never feels superfluous for a second. He writes beautiful descriptions of the scenes and evokes lively imageries. Other less skilled peers of his such as author Dan Brown often launch into long descriptions of sceneries; diatribes that are excessive to the point of making the writing seem like a travelogue. Doerr sidesteps this skilfully as all the scene descriptions are essential from the perspective of his sightless girl whose mood changes the colour of the depicted scenes; the world is gray and devoid of colours when she is depressed and only recolourises when her mood lifts. Doerr smartly maintains suspense readers’ interest and curiosity by keeping the chapters short – especially in the opening pages of the book in the first section curiously-named ‘Zero’ – before switching the narrative and perspective to elsewhere. This results in mini-cliffhangers that force the readers to keep the pages turning.

Like the old adage made famous by the line in the beloved French classic, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince): “The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes, but with the heart”, Doerr’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel has an over-arching theme of goodness in people that permeates throughout the story. This intrinsic human quality is present in many of the novel’s characters that have performed selfless acts that not only generates no benefits to themselves but may invite trouble to their doorsteps. Marie-Laure’s father, Daniel LeBlanc made miniature models of the city to help his daughter find her way; Etienne (Marie-Laure’s great-uncle) takes the pair of father and daughter in despite having no obligations to; Madame Manec engaging in espionage/spying reconnaissance activities, thereby putting herself in unneeded danger; and finally Werner who eventually takes the righteous path of saving the lives of Marie-Laure and her great-uncle, saving the former several times even. “You must never stop believing” and “… how to see her is to believe once more that goodness, more than anything else, is what lasts”; these are words spoken by Madame Manec and Dr. Geffard to Marie-Laure, underpinning the importance of believing in goodness and its perpetuality.

Much like an experienced auteur, Doerr never once runs into creative sclerosis and the characters in the story – every single one of them – pops out of the pages and are fully fleshed out with their own moral dilemma and unique personality. From the gemologist-turned-sergeant major cum primary antagonist von Rumpel who is obsessed with finding the Sea of Flames but still depicted as loving his daughters and also being morally upright by keeping his promise to Marie-Laure to leave after she answered his question; to Frederick who stood his ground and refused to partake in abusive bullying tactics despite the prospects of facing punishment himself; and to Marie-Laure’s papa who presents an optimistic and hopeful front to his daughter despite feeling despair within himself. These are not one-dimensional characters and there are no traces of stereotypes or tropes. Do not be fooled by the naivety of ingénue Marie-Laure, she displays admirable beyond-her-years grit and tenacity. Volkheimer though a giant, is friendly towards Werner. He even goes through a redemption when he asks Werner to take his rifle and presumably save Marie-Laure. Redemption is also another theme in this novel. Werner undergoes a similar redemption arc – after indirectly causing the death of the red-haired little girl – by sparing and also saving the lives of Marie-Laure and Etienne through both hiding of knowledge and taking direct action.

Even inanimate objects like the Sea of Flames at the central of the story are infused with life and vigour through Doerr’s prose. It is no mere MacGuffin inserted into the narrative out of frivolity. The Sea of Flames is akin to the heart of the story both figuratively and literally as it plays an essential role around which the plot’s events revolve around and is a cut multi-faceted diamond with a flame within it. Other items like the numerous shells that pique and held Marie-Laure’s interest, highlights Doerr’s knowledge in mollusks. The shells have spirals which are like mazes. This leads to the next theme which is the inter-connectedness of people like in a maze or universal network. Werner and Marie-Laure are first connected through vast space and distance by radio waves through the radio broadcasts of Marie-Laure’s grandfather, Henri who is known to Werner and his younger sister Jutta as ‘The Professor’. When Marie-Laure and Werner first talked, Werner mentioned Clair de Lune to her to bridge an immediate closeness to her. The invisible electromagnetic waves form a network connecting people and souls all across the universe. The inter-connectivity of people also sets off chain reactions from Marie-Laure’s actions of bravery leading to a reaction in Werner changing and being brave by taking charge of his actions. This is evidenced by the conversation between them: ‘“When I lost my sight, Werner, people said I was brave. When my father left, people said I was brave. But it is not bravery, I have no choice. I wake up and live my life. Don’t you do the same?” and Werner replies “Not in years. But today. Today maybe I did.”’ The above exchange also highlights two other important themes: the inevitability of life and extraordinariness in ordinary acts. Light is also an important character by itself, personified by its ubiquitous presence throughout the novel. It is described in vivid details and appears as various forms including electromagnetic waves (EM waves) and radio waves which as aforementioned plays an essential role of connectivity especially between the two main protagonists. The book’s title ‘All the Light We Cannot See’ refers directly to the concept that light is actually invisible. Visible light is colour but “the electromagnetic spectrum runs to zero in one direction and infinity in the other, so really, … mathematically, all of light is invisible” the novel explains so, since the visible part of EM waves or light is insignificant and a small portion minority compared to the larger portion majority of invisible EM waves or light. The persistence of souls is also explored. EM waves abound all around us in our daily lives, sunlight filtering through trees, in the air, through radio, through a field light, even in different less recognisable forms such as in the form of coal as explained by the novel that a plant captures light and then decays into the soil and buried under for millions of years before eventually forming into a coal. Souls from the departed can similarly transform and be found in this ‘light we cannot see’ and travel and persist all around us for all of eternity. Hence the novel’s title also alludes to the souls of our departed loved ones existing around us. The owl appearing to Frederick near the novel’s end and a simple wind could all be a soul taking different forms; the former owl could be Werner visiting his friend after he died. The radio and mollusks (shells) are all complex systems, intricate networks and are small pieces in a universe; mazes unto themselves. From souls, religious themes are also explored such as when Marie-Laure asks whether blind people will see the face of God. The Sea of Flames is the physical manifestation and embodiment of the theme and question of science versus faith; logic versus superstition. Does it really have powers to protect its owner? Is it really cursed and causing bad things to befall on people around its owner? Doerr leaves these questions unanswered and is certain in the diamond’s ambiguity. After all, Marie-Laure who was its owner did not die and got out of life-threatening seemingly impossible situations while others around her died such as her beloved father, Madame Manec and even Werner when he died, he did not have the tear-shaped stone with him.

The concept and theme of purity is also explored. Doerr postulates that purity of any form – be it racial purity or political purity – can never be achieved. Since the moment we are born, we are under constant corruption from the environment and world around us, including the very air that enters our bodies and hence the body can never be pure; we can never be completely rid of impurities. Doerr likens this to how the “entropy of a closed system never decreases.” Permanent order can never be formed, there will always be disorder and chaos; impurities are natural.

Doerr’s words transform the intangible into tangible such as when Marie-Laure’s reading of Braille becomes blurred when she is feeling distracted. In reality words in Braille books can’t possibly distort or blur. Her distraction caused by anxiety leads to the blurring in her reading. Doerr’s mastery of the language also shines through such as when he uses an oxymoron ‘beautiful ugly’ or ‘belle laide’ when Werner describes Marie-Laure’s eyes or when he uses vivid metaphors like “… it’s like reaching into a sack full of cotton and finding a razor blade inside” when Werner hears talking on the radio after months of static and “It’s as if the city has become a library of books in an unknown language, the houses great shelves of illegible volumes, the lamps all extinguished.” Doerr raises thought-provoking notions through questions such as “The brain is locked in total darkness, … inside the skull, never in the light. And yet the world it constructs in the mind is full of light. It brims with colour and light. So how, does the brain, which lives without a spark of light, build for us a world full of light?” He also pays immaculate attention to details, a quality that shows through his prose. These are all displays of his proficiency as a master wordsmith. Doerr also references literary greats such as Jules Verne and ingeniously incorporates elements from his predecessor’s into his narrative. Professor Aronnax from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea works in the same National Museum of Natural History as Marie-Laure’s father; Captain Nemo’s experiences are in tandem parallel to those of the novel’s characters.

Human resilience, overcoming adversity and phobia such as Etienne’s agoraphobia and the trauma and devastation caused by war are all themes explored in Doerr’s novel. Even at the novel’s end, Doerr is unconventional by unexpectedly having the male protagonist, Werner be killed. Long after the last word is read, Doerr’s characters linger long in the reader’s mind. Every other book read after this novel pales in comparison as Doerr’s story continues to reverberate and also illuminate and shine a light of hope and optimism through our lives’ dark periods for eternal perpetuality like all the light we cannot see in the story.

No human rights for prisoners

I don’t get why people belittle how tough Singapore’s prisons are. They say other countries’ prisons are worse. Let me tell you, no they’re not worse than Singapore’s. I talked to a lot of prisoners from so many different countries when I went in prison the previous 2 times. They have all unanimously agreed that Singapore prison is the worst, these are all people who have stayed in prisons in other countries, whether it is their home country or countries foreign to themselves. Be it whether you’re talking about prisons in China, Taiwan, Malaysia, US, Russia, etc. Yes Singapore’s prison is worse than all of these and any other country you can name. This is because in other countries, if you have money, you can easily get things you want into prison or inside prison itself, even if they’re illegal. Someone who had stayed in Macau’s prison told me that he managed to get a handphone into the prison there for him to use while he was inside. Plus, there’s no human rights in Singapore’s prisons. Trying to ask for a pen to use from the prison officers feels akin to asking for a million dollars, I don’t get why I’m not even guaranteed the right to pen down what I want to express. Isn’t the right to express oneself a basic human right? You would think so, but no, for my previous sentence, they even lost my mitigation letter on the day of sentence itself and asked me to re-write it again on the spot, with minutes left to the court hearing. This was a mitigation letter that I had written and submitted a month ago to the prison officers. How am I supposed to recall what I wrote a month ago that I haven’t seen since then and which I had sufficient deliberation time to coherently write down everything I wanted to at the time of writing? Now you tell me I only have a few minutes to try and not panic and write down everything which I had previously had hours to think about. Who on earth is able to think and write coherently under such time limit and stress? There’s not even a proper pen or table in the holding cells under the State Court. And even then, they refuse to give me a pen immediately, saying that I still have to send in a request for a pen when they’re clearly the ones who have made a blunder in their jobs by losing my mitigation letter that I had submitted to them because I was adhering to their instructions. And even when they finally give me a pen, it’s the usual very-thin-pen-refill-thingy that’s not even a real pen, it’s more like a pen-refill that’s hard to hold and write with. Anyone who thinks that Singapore prison is no big deal, that it’s nothing tough, that other countries have it worse, I implore that these people be sent for a bout of stay inside our prisons. This can even make for an interesting reality show: Survivor: Singapore Prison. Outwit, Outplay, Outlast.

Empathy

I am of course fully aware that a lot of people think that I deserve to go to jail and won’t pity me even the slightest bit. Seems empathy is a dying trait in this world. Do you really need to wish harm on someone just because they’ve done harm onto others? Think about it. Does killing someone who committed manslaughter or even murder really gonna do anything? It’s still an overall deficit in the system. It’s not gonna balance out anything, you just end up with two dead people instead of one. Just because they’ve done harm, it doesn’t mean that we should expect the legal system to do harm to them too. If so, then we are no different than the orignal perpetrator; an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, that just makes us sadists watching the perpetrator be punished and deriving satisfaction by convincing oneself that justice is meted out and that they deserve the punishment they get. Why is the focus always on the punishment? Why isn’t the focus instead centered on helping the prosecuted person out? Such as understanding what led them to commit the act they’re prosecuted for. Punishing a person in the form of incarceration and depriving them of any privileges seem barbaric and archaic compared to rehabilitating them.

Experience

Sometimes I feel like if it was someone else who went through everything that I’ve gone through, they might have already just killed themselves long ago. By everything, I mean not just the breakup with Jeremy but also the multiple incarcerations in jail, the bacteria infection/eczema flare-up I had in jail which caused a swollen and J-shaped bent-backwards penis and constant wet and sticky scrotum (which fortunately was cured before I left jail but not the rashes all over my body which it still left behind). Oh and also the discrimination faced, both inside and outside jail; the outside one would be referring to job discrimination and the inside one would be the solitary confinement alone.

The Courtship of the Wind and Desert

I’m but a pathetic being
Incarcerated within a love that’s long gone.
Much like a sandstorm blowing across the desert;
In the same vein as you dancing across my heart;
The wind may have left the desert
But the sand dunes left behind are evidences of the epic scale
In which the wind and desert had once courted each other
And that their fervent love had once existed and isn’t just a mirage or myth.

Heaven is when I’m with you

With my back against you,
cradle me in your arms,
hold me close and let me
feel the rhythm of your heart.

With those big hands of yours,
hold mine firmly in them,
and let me feel your clasp
on this tiny heart of mine.

Lean in close on my face,
kiss me hard from behind,
on my cheeks, and mouth too,
with those luscious lips of yours.

Turn me gently around,
and let me gaze deeply,
into those divine eyes
that will melt me everytime.

The scent of your body,
and its taste as I run
my lips down your contour,
is simply sheer Ambrosia.

Lie down here next to me
and let me hug you tight.
Close your eyes and cuddle,
feeling our body warmth.